This post was written by fMhLisa and originally appeared at fMh on September 14th, 2010. Read the original post and comments here.
My parents were faithful about Family Home Evening, we ate dinner together just about every night, we got up early to read the scriptures together, and we were signed up for seminary. We went to church together every Sunday (even when we were on vacation or just not in the mood), and all the extra meetings too, and we were expected to work hard and fulfill the full measure of our creation. If they made any huge mistake as parents, I am unaware of it.
And as it turns out none of us are criminals or a drain on society. And there are 30 plus healthy, (mostly) happy grands and great-grands. But my Mom still feels like a failure most of the time.
You see of her eight children, while several are true blue orthodox Mormons, the rest of us are problematic in some way, I’m a dirty liberal (always in danger, teetering on the edge into heresy), several of my siblings are big ol’ sinners (struggling with addiction, fornicatin’ n’ stuff), a few are inactive, we even have one down right apostate (he doesn’t believe in organized religion any more!). So you see, we grew up and made choices, and she failed.
I’ve heard her say this more than once, and I’ve seen the tears she sheds. I believe this is the reason why she is so hyper-judgmental about our choices, and so eager to share these judgments in our family phone conversations. (I swear if I have to hear one more detail about any of my sibling’s underwear wearing habits I’m going to scream.) And I hear this pain all the time at church too, from women who’s children have wandered from their Mother’s chosen path.
Anyway, I was wondering how is it exactly that we as a culture transmit this guilt to parents, I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone stand up in church and say if your kids make bad choices it’s your fault. But we get the message all the same.
I just got a letter from Donnell Allan that sums it up better than I can:
When I first read “Hope for Parents of Wayward Children” in the Ensign magazine, I truly did feel light come into my life. But as the years went by, the weight of my responsibility for the salvation of my sons and daughters finally became a burden rather than a blessing. Now, I see that I was trying to take the place of Christ through my own works of righteousness. I feel I was lead to that point of view through this article. I would love to hear how other parents respond to these promises from the Brethren.