This archive Sunday post by Rebecca originally appeared on October 1, 2006. To see the original post and comments, go here.
I sat in RS Conference this weekend (we get it a week later in Europe), and had a realisation.
I realised, during the opening songs, prayer and talk, that I was feeling the Spirit really strongly. It was something I hadn’t felt in a while. Things in my church life had culminated about 10 months ago, and I had serious doubts about some aspects of the church. I knew I had a testimony of Jesus Christ, and I knew I had a testimony of the Book of Mormon. Those things kept me going to church, but not really enjoying it. Every time I went and thought about the church I was filled with cynicism, negative thoughts and often anger.
I remember being told in numerous lessons over the years that sins of omission were worse than sins of comission, and I felt like the church had committed a sin of omission against me. Why hadn’t I been told the whole truth about church history? Why do we get such watered down rubbish? I resented finding out less savoury aspects of the church that seem to be conveniently left out.
For months I have ambled along, with glimpses here and there that I should still be at church, but mostly just feeling let down and bitter.
I tried reading my scriptures daily (something I hadn’t done in a long time), and praying more regularly, but nothing changed. I felt lost, frustrated and isolated.
I knew I had changed. I had become hard-hearted. I couldn’t sit in church without criticising in my mind everything that was going on. I was turning into a person I didn’t really like.
Then, I sat in RS Conference. One of my pet peeves with some wards I’ve lived in is the lack of Christ-centredness. I was thrilled that the theme was Encircled Eternally in the Arms of His Love. I listened to the words of the music and felt tears brimming up. When Sister Parkin spoke, I knew she spoke truth. I savoured the testimony of the Saviour and the admonition to feel his love daily. I realised I hadn’t felt that for a while, and upsettingly, didn’t know how to anymore. I felt sorrow, as I realised I’d separated myself from the Lord. I’d pushed Him away, and not let Him, or anyone else into my pain and I knew I had to change.
I left the meeting with a sense of hope. A hope that I can change. A hope that I can open my heart and feel again the love that I once felt. A hope that by letting the Lord back in I can change into a person I like a little better.
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“Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for thy courts above”
