This archive Sunday post originally appeared on October 5th, 2005. To see the original post and comments, go here.
By Lisa B (not fMhLisa)
Over on the Exponent II discussion group, someone posed the question “What keeps you going to church?” I’ve already fessed up here about my most recent crisis of faith. But my spiritual struggle preceded this most recent crisis. Perhaps we really are all wandering in the desert–throughout our lives, not just during the moments when it seems most obvious. There have been a few things that have kept me active in spite of my doubts and concerns throughout my life, and that gradually got me back to full activity (though this was more of an internal than external shift) and I now I feel really richly rewarded spiritually for having come back. I posted this list of some contributing factors to my staying/ returning to church. These are not all the greatest reasons, but I don’t think they’re all bad, either. And each has played a role for me at some time or another:
Church is one of the few times I have to just sit.
To give your kids something to believe in in contrast to all the crap that’s out there in the world.
Fairmindedness: I want to give as much room for faith as for doubt. I want to read as much from apologists and apostles as I do from murmurers and critics of the church. (Hence my beginning to read some fair-lds.org stuff and even some bloggernacle stuff in addition to the critical stuff I was reading.) Otherwise, how can I even pretend to give it a balanced appraisal/ a fair shake?
Fate. This is the religion I was born into, so that’s where God wants me to be, or this is the religion I stumbled onto so this is where God wants me to be.
For marital/ family/ household harmony.
I like (and believe) some of the unique and deep doctrines of the church.
Where else could I find so many instant (and decent) friends? (The social support network)
Covenants and integrity.
Hedging ones’ bet. I mean, come on–what is the church doing that is so bad? It’s trying to help people be more honest, more productive, more Christian, more godly. Even if they’re wrong (but I don’t think they are) it’s not like they’re asking us to sell our children into slavery or support porn or gambling or the drug industry!
Else where should we go? As a friend asked me, “You’re going to become Episcopalian?” (you know, the women & priesthood issue)
I feel good when I go (read my scriptures/ wear my garments/ pray/ etc.). I feel bad when I don’t. Sure, that could just be ingrained psychology and the result of formative years of browbeating. But I don’t think so.
I’m a sinner. Sacrament is a good reminder to keep trying to be a better person.
I like having a source of guidance more concrete than a God I don’t see with my eyes. (scriptures, apostles & prophets)
I deserve answers. So I’m gonna keep seeking them.
Serendipity. Instances of Grace from the Universe that are clearly more than mere coincidence.
In spite of my questions and concerns, I’ve had too many positive, church or ordinance-specific spiritual experiences to just walk away. (Like being filled with the Holy Ghost when I was baptized.)
By their fruits–I’ve been turned off by the underhanded tactics I’ve seen used by many ex and/or anti-mormons.
Ministering angels.
I love the temple. I don’t want to lose the opportunity to use it as a place of refuge, learning, meditation, peace.
Social pressure. Especially when compounded with not knowing for sure. I’d rather not broadcast my doubts and cause all sorts of grief in the process before that’s even necessary if there is any chance that they might be resolved down the road.
For hope. That there is some purpose for all the garbage we go through.
I like the idea that God does not behave the way the world does (controlling, violent, prideful, vengeful…). That seems right to me.
Guilt.
I’ve recognized my tendency to care to much what other people think about me and that sometimes I have turned away because of the ridicule of the world (great & spacious make-up kit). I don’t want to “be ashamed of the gospel” or be “offended in” Christ.
Cause I’ve sometimes received answers or guidance about how to find them when I’ve prayed for them. I’m not a put-it-on-the-shelf type person. I’m too obsessive for that. So for me instead I really focus on an issue that bugs me til I can make some headway on it/ get some new understanding. Read everything in the scriptures, conference talks, etc. that I can about it, pray about it, even yell at God about it if I have to.
Because I have experienced the reality of evil, and been delivered by and only in the name of Jesus Christ.
Because I have experienced the love and help of God even at times when my prayers have been curses (I don’t recommend the cursing God route. It’s a painful road back. But “mine arm is outstretched still”).
Fear of eternal death, damnation, hurt, separation from God, separation from family, Satan, unhappiness… Lack of desire to be drunk with my own blood as with wine.
Women and children are treated better by individuals living the precepts of the gospel than individuals who are not. The condition of women in the supposedly liberated world is really pretty sucky.
Because I’ve had enough experiences in which I’ve been shown how completely totally wrong/ misguided/ ignorant I was to believe that I could be sure enough about the church being problematic enough to walk away. And often God’s plans for my life have worked out MUCH better than my own plans for my life (even though sometimes it hasn’t seemed that way in process).
Because I’ve felt the balm of forgiveness and the strength of grace and renewal through Christ and the Holy Spirit.
Because history is all constructed/ mediated/ based on perspective & emphasis etc. anyway and supposed fact-gathering isn’t even the point of “church history” to begin with.
Those swelling emotions I feel about the gospel, the sacrifices of my pioneer ancestors, even some cheesy Mormon art and music that from the view of a critic I absolutely HATE, etc.
Because of been reminded (only after going back to the fountain) of so many things I have been given knowledge of throughout my life, here a little, there a little.
Given the gravity of spiritual decisions, I’d better be sure.
Because I have a nearly palpable relationship with God that overrides the errors, shortcomings, and misunderstandings we get from the scriptures and church leaders. I don’t want anything to separate me from the Love of God.
Clearly some of these won’t work for others or even at certain times for me. For example, when I was upset with the content of some Primary lessons and sharing times, the doing it for my kids reason didn’t work. When my spouse was also struggling, the “for marital harmony” thing didn’t work. Someone who has had negative temple experiences is not going to stay in church for that reason. Someone dealing with a church leader who is full of balony on a particular issue is not going to be appreciating “church guidance and direction” at that particular time, etc. But as I said, each of these has played a role at various times.