This post was originally published by Kimberly on October 25, 2010
I frustrated them endlessly, I know it. I refused to be drawn into the canned presentations and bombarded them with questions. I’ve always loved theological discussion and debate- and I enjoy hearing different perspectives; I need it to challenge my own dogma and grow spiritually. I eagerly read the BoM and any other church material I could get my hands on. They brought in the male missionaries within the district, ward leaders and the bishop to answer my questions.
Since I am perfectly comfortable with faith and religion being an ongoing journey, I did not feel that I needed every answer before I baptized, nor did I think I’d receive them all afterwards. It was enough that my prayers confirmed that baptism was the next step and so, that was that.
My faith background was Catholic, Episcopal and Congregational. Baptized both Catholic and Protestant, confirmed Episcopalian, but very well versed in the catechism, practice and scriptures of all three. I loved going to church, loved the scriptures and could be found at a service 3-5 times per week (quite a few Catholic churches have daily masses). If I wasn’t so fond of sex, I could very comfortably and joyously live as a nun in a religious cloister. Throw in a Jewish best friend and familiarity and comfort with all of their practices too…so, I was very comfortable with Old Testament study and debate as well. I love learning about other faiths, love to learn how others connect with the sacred in their lives. I incorporate anything that does that for my own connection as well.
If there was anything that surprised me about the Mormons I met in my early days as a convert, it was that so few of them knew much about what others believed and practiced and so, came off as condescending to other faiths fairly often. One example was the continual surprise that I knew my scriptures and knew them well and that I abided by the commandments and the WoW before I was LDS. It was always a hitch for me that this was presented as the “one true Church” because, well, I’d heard that before everywhere else from people equally sure through the spirit that it was true.
What really attracted me to the LDS faith was as follows:
Emphasis of mindfulness and religious practice daily, not just Sunday (not that there aren’t Christians of other denominations out there doing that- I was one of them, but I was lonely and kind of an outlier, frankly). I had to hang out with rabbis, nuns and priests to get the kind of discussions I craved and enjoyed. Friends accepted that about me, but it did render me somewhat of a freak.
Strong support of the family (especially since mine was falling apart).
Laity held the priesthood, with individual accountability to God for the fulfillment of PH obligations.
Continuing revelation and revelation for the individual (because that had been my experience).
The Godhead were 3 separate beings and the Sacrament was symbolic, not the actual flesh and blood of Christ. It didn’t really bother me or impress me that Christ and Heavenly Father had bodies- that’s always been incidental to me.
The doctrine of Heavenly Mother existing.
Strong community, service, callings, unpaid clergy, VT program.
Women speaking from the pulpit. Revolving speakers. Classes and continuing education.
Members generally had a very good understanding of the basic elements of their own catechism.
Ongoing communication through General Conference and the Ensign.
Since those early days of cultural immersion and adjustment to Mormonism, I characteristically developed further questions. I had a very difficult time with polygamy and D & C 132. I had an even harder time with avoidance of discussion of those concerns. I was disconcerted that encouragement of my exploration seemed to be discouraged once I was out of Gospel Principles class. Somehow, it was supposed to be a testimony to my “good member” status that I was done questioning ( I didn’t knuckle under that expectation in Catholicism, so, I see no good reason to do it here either). Sound doctrine should be able to withstand the questions of a mere mortal and cultural practice should be eradicated if it doesn’t make sense or is just plain wrong. I hold myself responsible for my own spiritual growth and discovery process and have done so since I was four years old.
As I learned more of Church history and the amnesiac practice of just replacing outdated revelation with the new, I became a tad cynical about the sweeping under the carpet of the less than honorable actions or oversights (withholding the PH from blacks, correlation leading to an end of an independent RS and removal of the PH of women as established by Joseph Smith, Mountain Meadows, polygamy, ERA).
the last couple of years, I have struggled with the church’s involvement in the public sector in relation to gay rights. (Transparency is in order, I have a gay brother, so, I’m invested in this.) Even if I didn’t have a gay brother and too many gay friends to count, I would be outraged over the religious involvement in the public sector because I am adamantly opposed to it.
I don’t ever question the individual’s right to allow faith beliefs to influence one’s own vote, but I really, really dislike organized religions imposing non-secular opinion on private citizens and manipulating their members to do the same. I was especially aggrieved that I witnessed a PR campaign that was untruthful and harmful to the opposition and I did not appreciate being in a position to be ashamed of my faith affiliation. (This isn’t a discussion on Prop 8, just my own stance so you know where I’m coming from.)
My second husband converted several years ago. We were sealed to our son, but not our non-member daughters from my first marriage, which caused me much pain for a number of reasons. I delayed my endowment until my dh could receive his.
Many years earlier, I had been refused my TR interview because my adulterous non-member husband wouldn’t give his permission as the presider in our home. Yes, I had a real problem with that on many levels. Enough of a problem in that it contributed to a period of inactivity while I went through a divorce within a culture that had no concept of how to support me through it spiritually and I didn’t have enough emotional energy to spare to explain it all. I went inactive only after much prayer and consideration. I was not hostile, read my scriptures and Ensign, kept Mormon friends, VTs and fed the missionaries. It helped to move to another ward for a new start and I returned as an active member the moment I was prompted to do so.
When I went through the endowment, I was stunned by how awful I felt as a woman within that ordinance…nothing prepared me for the actuality of how marginalized and officially subordinated I felt at the deepest doctrinal level and I’m afraid I couldn’t avoid facing that truth. Actually, I prefer squaring off with my challenges and it was better to have it in my face. I’m still struggling with that and I don’t even identify as a feminist.
If I’m forced to declare myself (I resist pigeon-holing terminology), I’ll identify as a humanist, so, on that head, I consider it bad for both women and men that this gap exists. Temple ordinances aside, I’m no fan of this patriarchal system allowing only influence (when convenient) rather than shared responsibility and power in decision making that affects women as much as men.
Wrapping it up, I’ve come to believe belonging to a religion is a lot like marriage. There can be incompatibility and cognitive dissonance, while continuing to persevere during the dry spells and challenges. There can be great love coexisting with a huge temptation to give up and leave when the going gets rough. There can be boredom and frustration and then, a corner is turned and somehow, I’m sitting in my regular seat at SM and somehow, appreciating the message. Under it all, is the Gospel, which I love and sometimes see as lacking in some of the cultural practices…just as a marriage can be bound with love but we don’t always live like we love each other.
So, here I sit. My prayers have not yet told me to give up and there are so many things I love about this faith, its members and its ways. I have a strong testimony of the Gospel and continually strive to do the will of my Heavenly Parents and in that, I rest.