To see the original post and it’s comments, from August 22, 2012, go here.
By Kevin Kloosterman
Kevin Kloosterman, LMFT is a mental health professional who has worked in a hospital setting for over 15 years. He has been an LDS bishop and is an advocate for LGBT individuals in and outside of the LDS church. Last year in November he “came out” as an LGBT ally at the Circling the Wagons Conference in Salt Lake City.
LDS Bishop Kevin Kloosterman’s Talk on Homosexuals in the LDS Church
A family member of mine reached out to me on Facebook a few months ago. She had clearly seen that I had become publicly vocal in my support of LGBT individuals both in and outside the church. Considering my reasons for doing so, she said “I thought it was because it’s fair. We need to love one another and approach each individual as a child of God who is welcome to learn of Him”. She is right. But then she said that as she thought about it more and more she could see why I was advocating for my LGBT sisters and brothers on a deeper and more personal level and she proceeded to tell me a painful story that I had never known before and gave me permission to share it.
Her daughter is not LGBT but she was born with a significant difference. This difference made it difficult for her to process sensory information and as a result from time to time there would be challenges in the Primary room. On one particularly difficult occasion her daughter abruptly left the Primary room and went out the door. After hearing screams down the hallway this family member rushed out of her meeting to see if those screams were intended for her. Sure enough, she found that they were. A well-intentioned lady from another ward had decided to “help” and was dragging her sweet 5 year old daughter outside the chapel into the snow and had begun to rub her face into it. The stranger justified her harsh actions to the mother by saying “someone needed to calm this brat down”. Thankfully the mother got her child out of harm’s way but in the process re-injured her C section that was healing from a week earlier when she had given birth to her son. It was at that moment that she realized that sometimes, some of our faith communities that we cherish and love, are not always safe and need to be adapted more to accommodate differences. She came to the conclusion that when there is doubt about what we should do, we should simply love.
Today she is in the Primary leadership in her ward and one of her duties is to help adapt the program to suit the needs of the children who need adaptation. She says “How much easier it would be if we could identify those needs and meet them. When working with children, our behaviors should be spoken of as appropriate or inappropriate since we are all learning. I suddenly understand that you are trying to do [something] similar to what I am trying to do. I felt the Spirit confirm the sense of non judgmental inclusion we should all have.” Today this family member’s daughter is doing well due in no small part to her parents’ love and advocacy. Not only did that advocacy bless the life of their own child but it blessed their entire ward as they shared their experiences in a Christ-like manner and helped others adapt to differences.
While there is overlap in this story with LGBT youth there are important differences as well. Many parents, and some of the youth themselves, do not recognize that they are LGBT until their early adolescence. Often, when it is recognized, it is not always brought out into the open. Children may have received the message from family members and their faith communities that having a different orientation is not only unacceptable but is also shameful. I had a conversation recently with a concerned grandmother who’s son-in-law burned his six year old son’s backpack that he had asked his mother to buy for him simply because it was pink and had Dora the Explorer on it. Apparently he was (and continues to be) fearful that his son will turn out gay. Not only will the vision of that burning backpack in their backyard probably haunt the child for many years to come, but if the child does turn out to be gay he will know that his father disapproves in the strongest of terms and will be much less likely to communicate and ask for help when he needs it the most.
Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland has said, “Some members exclude from their circle of fellowship those who are different. When our actions or words discourage someone from taking full advantage of church membership, we fail them — and the Lord.” Today there are still many of our LGBT youth who are emotionally being taken outside the chapel and having their faces metaphorically buried in the snow because they are different. There are still some well-intentioned individuals who, not understanding differences, verbally and through their actions create an unsafe environment in our homes and our faith communities for our youth. Who will advocate for them? The screams of these LGBT youth are often silent and internal because they may believe that their families or their wards will be ashamed of them or that they will fail to advocate for them. Many end up leaving the church. Some end up leaving life. In fact, the research shows that LGBT youth are four times more likely to attempt to take their own life than their straight peers. Most sobering of all, the research also shows that LGBT youths who experience high levels of rejection from their families during adolescence (when compared with those young people who experienced little or no rejection from parents and caregivers) were more than eight times likely to have attempted suicide, more than six times likely to report high levels of depression, more than three times likely to use illegal drugs and more than three times likely to be at high risk for HIV or other STDs by the time they reach their early 20s than their straight peers. Many LGBT youth who face rejection from their families and their communities end up homeless and on the street.
Let there be no doubt that the safety and well being of our LGBT youth is at risk. Thankfully, new materials recently released by Dr. Caitlin Ryan of the Family Acceptance Project and Bob Rees, a former LDS bishop, provide life saving tools for parents of LGBT youth. Supportive Families, Healthy Children: Helping Latter-Day Saint Families with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Children is a lifeline that is scientifically evidence based and awarded “best practice” for suicide prevention. I spoke with Dr. Ryan over the phone about the new LDS version of her evidence based materials and I sensed a great love, admiration, and respect for LDS belief and culture on her part. I was grateful for the time she took talking and gathering information from church leaders. I believe if this booklet is put in the hands of parents, religious, and community leaders I am confident it will not only save lives but preserve the bonds of family that are so important to the LDS people. These materials help parents to understand what interactions with their youth will be harmful and which will be helpful while all the while maintaining fidelity to LDS culture and belief. As a father, a former LDS bishop, and as a mental health professional that has spent my career trying to save lives, I strongly recommend these materials. If the day comes when our LGBT youth find their faces rubbed in the snow, instead of not having anyone to turn to, they will know that they have parents, family members, and leaders who will love them, advocate for them, and keep them safe.
There is a Primary song that was written specifically for children with differences. It is called I’ll Walk With You by Carol Lynn Pearson. Not only is Carol Lynn a poet, playwright, and bestselling author, but she is also a contemporary Mormon Pioneer on LGBT issues. She was asked several years ago to write a song by the General Primary Presidency to help children, parents, leaders and teachers to better accommodate and understand differences with children. In her book No More Goodbyes: Circling The Wagons Around Our Gay Loved Ones she says that as she wrote that beloved primary song she knew it would apply to children with differences of all sorts including our LGBT youth. The song is a powerful Christ-centered statement of advocacy, love and dignity. It says:
“If you don’t walk as most people do,
Some people walk away from you,
But I won’t! I won’t!
If you don’t talk as most people do,
Some people talk and laugh at you,
But I won’t! I won’t!
I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you.
That’s how I’ll show my love for you.
Jesus walked away from none.
He gave his love to ev’ryone.
So I will! I will!
Jesus blessed all he could see,
Then turned and said, “Come, follow me.”
And I will! I will!
I will! I will!
I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you.
That’s how I’ll show my love for you.”
It is my hope that all of us will walk with our children and youth no matter what their differences may be so that they will be able to feel the Savior’s love through our words and our actions. My family member was right that my advocacy efforts are not only because it is about fairness and decency and love but also because the safety of our children and youth are on the line.