Originally published August 2005
Last night as I lay in bed, instead of counting sheep I started a list in my head of what my perfect Church would look like. Don’t get me wrong, this had nothing whatsoever to do with anything deep and eternal and important . . . like say . . . doctrine. No, my perfect church requirements were all sublimely superficial.
1. Church would last one hour and five minutes. ½ hour of sacrament meeting, prayers, singing and the sacrament. A five minute break. then ½ hour for ss/rs on alternate Sundays.
2. All nursing lounges would have At Least two soft cushy rocking chairs with arms and a refrigerator stocked with Nantucket Nectars Lemonade and cheese cake. (and only women who actually wanted to escape their other ten kids would feel obliged to use it) (or women who want cheese cake)
3. No parent with children ages 5 or under would be called to Nursery or Sunbeams. Ever.
4. No BSA. In fact BSA would be treated much like polygamy and blackless priesthood– an embarrassing relic of history.
5. A new optional ss class. With real (difficult) history and approaches to reconciling faith with fact. I would love that class.
6. Father and preside would never be uttered in the same sentence.
7. Little old ladies would swell with righteous indignation if it were implied that men are incompetent, unrighteous, or in any way less important/worthy/capable than women.
8. Men and women would share all leadership responsibility equally. Somehow.
9. All sacrament bread would be homemade by my sister B.
10. In the summer we could go to church barefoot. And on nice days all ss classes would be held on the grass (if you have nice days and grass).
11. A firm, uplifting and easily accessible nursing garment with built in bra would revolutionize undergarments.
12. Church related craft creation in any capacity would be punishable by death. Crafty people could still scrapbook and modgepodge to their hearts content, just not at church.
13. tattoos, earrings, leg shaving, face shaving, hair color, pants/skirts, white shirts, ties, would all be considered irrelevant cultural expressions, thus not really considered at all. Everyone would do their best to look their best. However they define it.
14. Church pews would be equiped with tiny seatbelts.
I’ll probably be back with more as they occur to me.
